Why am I feeling guilty about this?
Question: Some spiritual books assign a list of practices. At times, I feel torn about practicing these, even though nothing inside me is motivated to do it. Where’s this guilt coming from?
Answer: Perhaps there are a few things going on here.
Personally, I don’t believe the Holy Spirit uses guilt as a tool to motivate us. Of course, a healthy conscience will remind us with healthy guilt when we have withheld love from, or been unkind to someone.
One reason for the guilt feelings might be how we perceive and deal with authority figures. This might be related to people-pleasing. Many people, like me, when on auto-pilot, avoid conflict and just “go along” with the consensus. That way, nobody gets hurt, except perhaps the one giving up their voice. If so, this may reflect some negative programming we received in our formative years, (e.g., “Children are to be seen and not heard!”).
Another possibility of having guilt feelings for not doing these suggested practices could be from our own ego. To the primordial ego, being banished from the herd was certain death. Likewise to the subconscious, to not “go along with the herd” with all its unchallenged egoistic programs geared for survival at all costs, is equal to banishment. Likewise, being embarrassed or humiliated is also equivalent to banishment, and death. The harsh inner-voice of our ego that intends to save us by keeping us in-line, or protecting us from public scorn and humiliation is called the inner-parent, or as Freud called it, the super-ego. This is the ego’s attempt to save our life. Because the ego perceives all threats so seriously, it listens to peer pressure and condemns without mercy, our stepping out of line. Like the urgency in a parent's voice when their child runs toward the busy street to fetch a ball, so the inner-parent's voice screams at our psyche even more harshly, because, “it should know better!” The unsophisticated ego puts us down, punishing with a stick, but the Holy Spirit lifts us up with Love. If we have critical thoughts with ourselves, it is very likely we are having critical thoughts about others.
Freedom from this inner-condemnation comes through becoming our own loving parent. We can change the tenor of the inner-parent with a few practices:
1) Write out a positive inventory list, noting only the positive characteristics and goodness in our self. Then read that list out loud in the morning and again just prior to going to sleep.
2) Look at yourself in a mirror and say, “I love you. You are doing so well. I’m proud of you.”
3) If that is too difficult, hold a photo of yourself as a child and say, “I love you. I’m so proud of all the good you have done with your life. You have come so far.”
The photo I use is from 4 years old, and this practice alone changed my life profoundly.
The next possibility for feeling odd about not following a teacher’s advice is “shoulding” ourselves. If a doctor only prescribed one medication for all his or her patients, they’d lose their practice very quickly. Face it, folks are at different places in consciousness. Like the old saying goes, “Different strokes for different folks.” If an integrous teacher suggests exercises that do not resonate with you, this is probably not the time in your life for that teacher. Perhaps the “right time” was 5 years ago, or 5 years from now, but not today. This is completely ok. There is a saying from Buddhism, “When the student is ready, the teacher will appear.” It gets very clear when we look at a Map of Consciousness by David Hawkins or Ken Wilber’s all quadrants, all levels, that people have vastly different life experiences based on their emotional maturity, intellect and spiritual awareness. The various levels of consciousness are analogous to zip codes and are not rigid. Throughout our lives, we experience moments of utter grief to euphoric ecstasy. However, if we do not practice self-awareness, much of our life is spent in a small area on the map without much advancement. As Socrates said, “An unexamined life is not worth living.”
A person’s priorities are going to be quite different at each zip code. In south Florida, you’ll never need snow shoes. Inside the Arctic circle, there is little use for flip flops and beach chairs. One place is not better than another, just different.
Continuing this idea of spiritual advancement: If we intend to be like Jesus and commit to maturity, we will discover that our perceptions are limited and naïve at best. We discover that our attachments and aversions change as we move into a different zip code. From a clear state of consciousness, we will see that thoughts coming into our ego-mind have more to do with the zip code we currently occupy, not from the Holy Spirit within, not from who or what we really are. In the consciousness level of unconditional love it gets easy to see the innocence of all people and easy to accept them where they are, without feeling compelled to change them. Love is the key - to freely see. If we can love ourselves unconditionally, we will laugh at feelings of guilt that pop up for no particular reason.
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